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#7980610 - 11/25/14 09:51 AM My big uncle has passed... Here's my story.
furball Offline
Post Master Sr


Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 9483
Loc: Toronto, ON
Thought I'd write this up as I mentioned it in another post, and got supportive feedback ...

Here it is...

Thought I'd express my sadness re: my uncle's passing last week...

He was fighting for 14 weeks with various things. Internal bleeding, etc. Old age. He was in his 80s.

My parents, and my aunts/uncles here in Canada are all around 80-90 years old. I'm generations away from my parents; I don't understand them, they don't understand me, but we apply filial piety... Being Asian, and Bhuddist... It's the right thing to do, but always a fucking challenge.

My aunts/uncles here in Canada aren't direct 'blood' per se. I don't know my family tree, but they're probably up 1-2 generations, then back down the tree. (I've always heard stories of how my family was treated a bit lower than the rest of the family.)

My siblings, and cousins are all 10+ years older, save for 1 female cousin 1 year younger.

This 'Big Uncle' was the coolest of them all. They owned a home downtown, with like 8-10 rooms; one of those 'rooming houses'. Dark hardwood throughout, wore suspenders, smoked cigars, short, round, slicked his hair back, like Penguin... He had a german sheppard when I was a kid; Asians don't own dogs... His wife was also cool. There were pictures of him in some cool cars, etc. He drove a car until he was 65 or so. That's cool. No other uncle/aunt drove.

At the sermon, I found out he 'converted' to Christianity ... Bullshit. I don't want to say anything more, other than my little cousin confirmed it was due to their kids being Christian and pushing the issue. In the end, aunt and uncle now carry crosses on their neck, etc.

What upset me was during the sermon, they applied stories/reasoning that it was because someone PRAYED to GOD, that it was because of this that EXTENDED his life... I don't want to argue religion, but alot of it has to do with science. There are portions we can attribute to 'something higher', be it luck, religion, etc...

My aunt is now in an old age home, and my heart broke when I saw her at the funeral. She was in crazy tears, holding onto my uncle's hand in the casket. She was calling out his name.

Tears yes. But anything else, Asians in general don't express, particularly in that generation.

During the sermon, their son-in-law, a pastor, spoke. A cousin noticed my other uncle (who had heart bypass surgery in the past couple years) wasn't responding at all... She was freaking out and about to put her finger to his nose to check for breathing....

This second uncle was freezing cold, barely moving. Said his chest hurt. They stopped the sermon, called the ambulance... We later found out he pissed his pants, and he got up and said he wanted to go take a shit. Another cousin freaked out and said NO, that stress will kill him...

This second uncle is stubborn, and refused to go to the ER... He went anyway...

There was some disagreement during the ceremony, as the older generation wanted to place blankets (per family) onto my Big Uncle, within the casket. The kids said if it is religious, their dad is now Christian, and it does not belong. The story later went that it was tradition...

I felt unkept, having my Movember 'mo. I was dressed in my 'Sunday best' if you will, and half the people didn't recognize me...

It's also challenging to see and feel the family activities that bound us all, are degrading. We visit the cemetary once a year, to pay respect to our elders. This big uncle led that. He coordinated the day, the incense, burning of things to the next life, etc.

Not only are we losing the integrity of the family group, but also of our heritage, our culture, moral obligations to our current and past generations. As the son in the family, responsible for carrying the family 'crest'/name, I'm gonna do what I can to continue these traditions. It's also challenging given some of the cousins are Christian now.......

I'm upset at my own siblings. I kept them updated on my big uncle's health, and funeral arrangements. No one showed. Too busy. Yes, they coordinated and purchased a wreath, but not once did they visit him in the hospital, etc. I only visited twice myself.

It was a challenging day for me, seeing my parents, and my other aunts/uncles age.

Having moved uptown, this further adds separation to the families, and further dependency on me as my parents need me to take them places.....

Thanks CSI:On for the kind words in the other thread. While I've been semi-ok with going about my life the past few days, my little cousin who's dad got checked into the ER is having a difficult time. (That's a whole other story which I won't get into.)


Edited by furball (11/25/14 09:56 AM)

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#7980696 - 11/25/14 10:20 AM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: furball]
SuPeR-MaRiO Offline
Post Master Sr


Registered: 06/28/01
Posts: 6111
Loc: Toronto, Ontario
Sorry to hear about the rough times you and your family are experiencing, which include the recent passing, your uncle in the hospital and a reflection of where you and your family's history/culture/religion now stands.

Maybe there is something to learn. Maybe its time for you to take a step back and reflect and learn. Be more appreciative of those that you have around you (I'm not implying that you're not appreciative) whether you are close to them or not, or whether they are of the same religion or have changed. Maybe recent experiences will help you make decisions on how to raise your family.

In any event, keep strong and know that you have control of some things in your life, but not all.

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#7980732 - 11/25/14 10:38 AM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: SuPeR-MaRiO]
4Three Offline
Post Master Sr


Registered: 12/21/00
Posts: 5365
Loc: Markham, ON, Canada
take care. losing someone close isn't easy. dealing with the politics and the aftermath isn't easy. people cope with loss and hardships in different ways. some will turn to religion to answer those questions. others will act out. and others will turn inward. it's just what it is.

by christianity, i'm assuming you probably don't mean catholics. in my experience, catholics are less outward in their religious practice. the non-catholics often exude an outwardness that sometimes comes off as cultish or desperate recruiting. that said, the ones i know and hang out with are all good people. it's still odd (to me) that someone makes a conversion so late in life when one is faced with the end. it seems like it was for the benefit of the children (esp the son-in-law, pastor). but having to 'argue' over whether or not the casket blankets could be used seems like such a petty thing. if it gives your uncle's siblings comfort, then it should be a respected practice.

as for your siblings not showing up, pay them no mind. people these days are selfish with their time. the regrets they may have later are theirs to deal with.

it does sound like a good opportunity for you to take the reigns and continue the family tradition.
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#7980756 - 11/25/14 10:48 AM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: 4Three]
furball Offline
Post Master Sr


Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 9483
Loc: Toronto, ON
By no means am I saying Christians or any other religion are bat shit crazy. Besides, this is not the time nor place.

My cousin (the one married to the SIL pastor) said they are Catholic, if that makes a difference.

Only religion off the top of my head that really pisses me off is this whole ISIS bullshit; I'm not hounding on Muslims either.... And even then, ISIS is twisting the beliefs.

I guess it was in the moment, those comments 'upset' me... Not hulk smash upset, but upset.

For all I know, the path I'm going down now, I may need to 'convert' and be Catholic if everything works out... Who knows... (Dating an open-minded Catholic, who was previously hardcore...One of her parents is a basket case.)


Edited by furball (11/25/14 11:05 AM)

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#7981302 - 11/25/14 03:28 PM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: furball]
titty sprinkles Offline
Post Master Supreme


Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 17160
Loc: Toronto,Ontario
dude, i hear ya.

having lost my grandmother this year (this year is been fantastic for me!) i can tell you first hand that it's going to be hard, expecially to keep family together.

every xmas, the ENTIRE family gets together at my grandmothers house. that's 40+ ppl including second cousins, cousin's bf's and gf's etc and we do a big secret santa and play stupid games. well 99% of my family is catholic,however in guyana and hindu culture, you don't celebrate anything for a year after the death of someone. this is what a few of the aunts and uncles are saying however this would be the last thing my grandmother would have wanted. there's stress on myself and two other cousins who are doing the planning for xmas day.

also, no matter what you do, there will always be stress and anger around death. you being mad at your siblings, is something my aunts and uncles went through with their oldest brother who lives in new york. for whatever reason he did not want to stay in canada when my grandma was in the hospital and went back to NY, missing her death, and him being the eldest son, that was big shit.

the cousins (myself included) were also pissed at that uncle's two sons, because they didn't come to see my grandma, even when everyone had the meeting with the dr (the ppl in NY on speaker phone) and the doc said that my grandma had like two days at most left.

all i can tell you man, is that people choose their own actions, and they have to live with it, not you. ya it's a piss off, everyone dropped work to be by my grandmas side but my cousins couldn't drive down; meanwhile they make sure they come down for caribana, or if a big soca party is happening or something. dude, aslong as you can put your head down at night and be content with what you did and how you delt with your big uncle's passing that's all that matters.
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#7981385 - 11/25/14 04:45 PM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: titty sprinkles]
hyper-s2k Offline
Post Master Supreme


Registered: 12/01/05
Posts: 14556
Loc: T dot O dot, Canada
sorry for your loss, OP.

your big uncle sounded like a really stand up guy that kept the family together.
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'08 //M3 - now @ 90,xxx km - wtf did i do?
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'08 535i - sold @ 149,421 km - cashed out just in time!
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"Driving in the snow is like sex. If you want to avoid accidents, abstinence is the best policy. If you're gonna take her for a spin, use protection." - Rick Mercer

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#7981561 - 11/25/14 06:25 PM Re: My big uncle has passed... Here's my story. [Re: hyper-s2k]
JEFFOS Offline
Post Master Supreme


Registered: 01/27/00
Posts: 29139
Loc: Toronto
Sorry to hear. You can't get concerned over things that are not in your control - just focus on what you can control.
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-Jeff

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